"We down our shots and gulp our beers till every drop disappears."

Saturday night I was in the drinking mood.
I was suppose to go to the movies to see Drag Me To Hell with my dad; but my old friend CJ asked me if I wanted to stay over at her dad's house with TR and then get drunk.
So of course I accepted the invite!

I went and made my make up more dramatic for partying, slipped on some skinny black jeans, a multi-colored animal print shirt and a bright blue hoodie and I was off.
Once I got to her dad's house I realized him and his friend were wasted out of their minds, repeating their compliments and questions to me over and over again.

"You look good!"
"How is your mother?"
-"Awh thanks, and I have no clue I don't live with her anymore."
"How's your mother?"

I just laughed off their repeated questions and went down to CJ's room.
Once we called our ride and had a time that they would be over we went upstairs to get her dad to call us Dial A Bottle.
After a lot of yelling and confusion from the drunks we eventually got them to dial the number as TR asked the lady on the phone for a 26er of blueberry vodka-yum.

We needed a soda for the mixer, therefore we had to walk to the corner store in the POURING rain. We got soaked needless to say.

15 minutes or so later our ride had finally arrived.
A bunch of guys in a van that I didn't know, but I am always up for anything when drinking!
We cracked open the 26er poured some into a McDonald's cup (it's all that we had) with the creme soda and we were good-for now.
We listened to some partying music as we drove to who-knows-where!
Dancing and sipping on our drinks!

Eventually we got to some random gas station somewhere near Toronto (I'm pretty sure-I'm bad with directions).
The guy who was working in the store was apparently friends with everyone; therefore we got to steal a shit load of energy drinks, gum and candy. It was basically amazing-I must have had at least 4 energy drink that night!

The guys all smoked cigarettes and joints as we drank our drinks.
After awhile CJ and I got bored so we decided to fight S.
He was ROUGH, but it was all good fun other than the million bruises I managed to get the next day. He had knocked his head into mine leaving me with a giant bruise on the side of my head!

The gas station dude asked us to get him some eye drops from shoppers across the street and gave us a 10.
We ran across the busy street and I fell on my ass as we reached the sidewalk.
It was to hilarious!I was lying there laughing so hard as these random guys from a restaurant called over
"CAN WE ASSIST YOU IN DRYING YOU'RE ASS OFF? WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME PARTY!?"
Of course we just walked away! Well CJ decided she didn't want to pay for the eye drops so she stuffed it in my pocket and we ran out, keeping the ten for ourselves!

Anyways we stayed at the gas station until that guy got of work then headed to the Whitby Pier! We finished the 26er, walked around in the water, pissed in the bush and got ditched by our ride. It was fucking cold so we decided to walk down the road until our ride came back but just our luck we got pulled over by a cop car with their bright lights flashing in our eyes!

They just chatted with us about why we had gone to the Pier at 2:30am-I had no clue it was that early! S tried to play it cool but he kept on studdering! Thank god they DIDN'T realize we were all wasted out of our minds and then drove off telling us to stay on the side of the road or we will get hit-gee thanks buddy. That was our lucky break and relief and a half!

After awhile of walking our ride came back.
We went to McDonald's- hell I only got a small fry!

We ate and picked up some fucking fat ass who wouldn't stop bitching at us girls so I got in a fight with him. It was quite hilarious, he must have weighed half of the car weight for fuck sakes! Whenever he moved the whole car did! I just kept bitching at him cause he wouldn't stop annoying me-pure entertainment.

We decided we wanted to have a little scare before going home so we went to the Witch Lady! It's just some insane old lady who happens to live in an abandoned blocked off home down some creepy-long-dark road.

"WITCH LADY, WITCH LADY!"
We yelled out her name a few times then sped off.
It was scary shit-we saw her hiding behind some garbage can!
I thought she was going to murder us all.

AT 4:30 in the morning we FINALLY got home.
Passed out.

"His mouth was on mine then and I couldn't fight him. My will crumbled into dust the second our lips met."

Ouch,
that really hurt.
So I guess this is where I tell you a little about the boy who was my first greatest and worst mistake.
Well he just came on msn.
This was the FIRST time I've seen him online since, well since my name was in his, followed by I love you.
I didn't think it would hurt me that badly, to just simply see him come online.

But when he did and he said that common one syllable word, it all came crashing down upon me once again.
It felt like my heart had shattered once again, but why?
I've talked to him on the phone, I've seen him in person, we've had sex since he broke my heart.
But this singly hurt me like the day he told me he didn't love me anymore..
I guess it's because that's one of the places we had our greatest conversations, one of the places he told me he would love me forever and always.

Turns out it wasn't forever and always.
Turns out it ended.
Forever and almost always, babe.

Attached To You

I'll be you're cold hearted stranger.
I'll make sure not to call you later.
Yes, I am full of risk taking danger.

No, I am not your savior.

So let's make some meaningless love.

Come on, be my addictive drug.

I just want a flig.

I don't want to feel that heart break sting.

I know this won't last,

Because you will leave me all to fast.

Watching as you walk out in a flash.

In tact I do not have my high class.

This time I won't be the one to crash.

Except this time I won't be the one to burn.

I won't be the one to yearn.

The ONE thing I hate the most is guys who end up breaking a girls heart without knowing.
How blind can they be?

Can't they tell that our HEARTS are more fragile than there's?
I mean our hearts simply crack at a single rejection. They break when a guy causing you to get knocked down. Most guys don't even seem like they have a heart. After a break up they just move on to their next victim.

I wish I could do the things guys do without being critizied as I would as a girl. It's unfair. Guys get to go around having meaningless sex with whoever they like but they don't get called a whore or slut. They get called players. That isn't even bad compared to other names. Maybe I want to have meaningless sex with some guy I find attractive at a party? Oh, right. I can't because I get to attached. As bad as it sounds sometimes I wish my emotions were just as horrible as guys. They hardly get their heart broken, they get pleasured by "whores" all the time AND they don't get attached.

I wish I never got attached...
I wish I never got attached to you...

Lust Drama

Well fourth period yesterday wasn't as bad as I thought it would have been which was a RELIEF!
One of my old friends, RW ended up being behind it all without knowing.

He ended up coming to the Resource Room to talk to me, odd and unexpected.
Therefore I realized all the people who were chirping me were his ex gf's and ex gf's friends...I had no clue that many girl's held a grudge against me for me doing NOTHING.
It just so happens that basically all of his ex's were dumped by him because he claimed to be in love with me-aha! As if-how could an immature boy like him know what love is or claim to be in it with someone as messed up as I am? Crazy.

Two nights ago I ended up taking oxy's to numb my imaginary pain-this was a horrible idea. I couldn't get to sleep after taking a few because every noise I heard was 10 TIMES as loud in my head. Then last night because I hadn't taken any I was having withdrawals :S..
I couldn't stop shaking and was throwing up-never AGAIN.
Guess I'll have to try something not as addictive next time, as if I am saying there is a next time to experimenting with pills...wow.
ANYWAYS.

When I had gone to BH's over the weekend she had told me that BS was being cheated on by CG, I was pissed! He is the biggest player ALIVE. She is so in love with him and then he goes and fucks some random whore, real nice. No one was telling her what everyone knew so, me being someone who always does what she feels is right told her. BIG MISTAKE. CG txted me and was like "go fucking kill yourself, no one will ever LOVE you". Kind of harsh, it hurt but still I held myself back to reply cause I knew he would stop if I didn't get him even more wound up-he has anger issues. Anyways my way of trying to do something right totally backfired. She wouldn't believe me cause she thinks she is so in love with this stupid boy. Like I have no reason to have lied, its completley crazyness.

- In conclusion LOVE always fucks people over, especially the way they think. I doubt even love exists, I mean it's probably all lust. Lust, lust, lust...

Waiting

Right now I am in my media studies class to distracted to do work. To tell you the truth I'm quite afraid of going to last period. I told my friend about what has been happening but I made it seem like it wasn't a big deal, something I could easily blow off and laugh about. Sadly that is not the case, I just don't want to seem weak. I hate being weak in someones eyes. I hate people worrying about my problems for I can deal with them on my own, I always deal with things on my own. That is probably how I will always be I guess. Well I have about a half an hour before the dreaded fourth class, so at the moment I'm basically waiting until then. Waiting until I get cut down again. I'm basically to afraid to actually do work right now, how pathetic.

-I'll update you after fourth or something, wish me luck.

Pathetic

The truth is I feel sorry for you.
You continue to bite off more than you can chew.
You are pathetic.
Completly unsympathetic.
Completly cosmetic.
Constantly you try and bring me down,
because in order to feel good you must see a frown.
To me you look like nothing but a clown.
I won't let you bring me down.
I'll watch you and you're words drown.
Cause you can't bring me down.
For you I'll never fall to the ground.
Tainted comments tied to lies.
Causing a burning to my eyes.
Falling from my mouth are constant sighs,
but you won't be able to see my cries.

Well today was a very depressing day as of fourth period in the Resource Room. For some reason these two girls are obsessively trying to hurt me. They whisper hurtful words to each other about me as if we were in public school all over again; just pathetically immature. So when I continue to ignore them by turning up my Ipod no longer paying attention to them, they start throwing paper at me! Like really? What the hell is wrong with you! So I just continued to act like I hadn't noticed these balls of paper flying all around me and kept doing some overdue work on the computer. I have no clue WHY the Resource teachers in that classroom are too blind to see these two childish girls running around the classroom making fun of me to people I do not EVEN know, getting them to all throw paper at me. She couldn't have been that blind and deaf.

As this went on for the ENTIRE period I felt tears overwhelming my eyes. As if I had let them get to me this badly. Of course before they left they had to do one more terrible things to satisfy themselves by tripping me, watching as my books go flying across the hall. So as I collected all of my papers and books watching as these two girls I don't even know walk away with smiles on their faces; I began to cry. Running through the hallways and up the stairs trying to just get to my locker as my make up ran down my not so perfect face. That was how weak I was letting them get to me.

I must admit I am dreading going to fourth period tomorrow where those same girls will sit across from me trying to top what they did to me today. I know I should say something to someone but I don't know their names! I guess I'm just waiting until it gets worse so that I don't just look like some pathetic child who isn't able to handle some name calling and tripping. Hopefully it gets better tomorrow and I won't have to worry about it...hopefully. I just wish these two girls would realize what effect they have on someone who already have low enough self esteem. I mean they have to know they are hurting me, maybe that's what they want? I just don't want to let them win. I don't want them to get their satisfaction in seeing me cry or seeing me frown. I can't let it happen. I will NOT let them win this, no matter what. I will stay strong.

Well I should go to bed now, I guess I will tell you about what ends up happening tomorrow.

"Life is just like a mirror, and what you see out there, you must first see inside you."- Wally Amos

This is my first time writing a blog, and to be frank I'm a little bit frightened. I'm not afraid of this blog but I am afraid of life in general. I love writing for it's how I express myself and let all of my bottled up feelings out. I seem to bottle up a lot of emotions through out my entire life. One day they are eventually going to all come out so this might as well be the spot. I'd rather tell a bunch of people I don't know about my problems than the people closets to me, it's just how I am. But my largest fears in life seem to be rejection and failure. I never wish to feel those pains, but I know it's what you will have to deal with through out life. So in order for me to deal with all of my many emotions I don't quite share, I write.

This blog is like a journal for me I guess, or is going to be once I start writing more. I will tell whoever decides to read about my battlefield like love past with relationships and family, about the struggles or highlights in life I end up coming across. Hopefully my writing will interest or help someone dealing with the same sort of situations.

Some hectic problems in my past include my alcoholic, cocaine addict, anger issued mother-who wasn't much of a mother. The boy who I fell in love with, lost my virginity, lost myself to that I ended up dating for two years. He is the one person who has caused me so much struggle in trying to forget because he broke my heart, he help turn my life into this war zone. I guess these are some stories I shall share eventually when I need to let them out of my system.

-In conclusion this is my blog about how my life has become somewhat of a battlefield in love and life.